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Mood Swing


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    You certainly know people who are moody for no reason especially. Yes, we prefer very much meeting people in good mood and tend to feel annoy with the others. I thought it was easier to smile than to frown until one October 2000, after the increase of the price of tobacco and cigarettes, Patrick my soul mate decided that we are going to stop smoking. I was not eager at all having trying many times before without success due to overwhelming sadness and anger. But yes, I only tried one week only and there was the patch now so we started.
    All was fine while I was wearing the patch but end of December the doctor decided that I was cured; indeed, I did not feel to smoke at all. However, the sadness returned with a vengeance as well as the anger...and in March, I felt so bad that my doctor prescribed an anti-depressor; not only it did not help at all, I put on weight... 1kg every in September I stopped them but I continued to put on weight. The year before I was 48kg and 44 years old; in September that year, I was 54 kg and few months later I reached 61kg; my height been 1m52 it was a disaster.
     Not only my beautiful spirit was broken, I could not even recognise myself in the mirror. I have always been a happy person; jumping out of bed, ready for a wonderful day; this was the joy of being alive. This was no more; some days were a little better; I even thought I was cured when it lasts more than 3 days but the next day it started again for no particular reason. I was so angry that it was like rage and there was nothing I could do about it; no matter which meditations I tried or the good spirits I tried to talk to as I have done all my life; none replied...nothing worked and the worst was that I felt that my husband hated me. Thought Patrick despite being French has never been a Romantic, I always felt his love but this was not the case anymore. Sometimes, I even had pain in my chest and thought I was going to have an heart attack; I did not care because life was not worth living and anyway I also learnt that the intense feeling of rejection that was causing this sharp pain was nothing they said! But how could my soul mate still love this new grumpy fat middle age woman? Of course not and I could not blame him.
    Nevertheless, I continued without smoking for 6 years...6 disastrous years, until on my 50th birthday I decided to smoke and drink just for that day as we were having a party for my son Mickael who was turning 30 and for Francky who turned 28. We always celebrated our birthdays together; I did a magnificent slide show for Mickael and I remembered how sad I was, I even cried as if I felt something very wrong was going to happen... I tried to shake the feeling off by realising that is was hard to believe that my boys were getting older and of course my mood was still playing badly. I did not expect any change about this; it was too late, my good spirit had been broken for 6 years. So I behaved probably not as a 50 years old women should but I felt good and this rarely happened these days but it was the next day that I was truly amazed; I was myself again; my old self and how good this was! I made a very harsh decision again that day; I said to Patrick that I wanted to smoke again but not 50 cigarettes as before only 5. I knew Patrick had heart issues and that he will smoke again if I do but I felt that our life was not good anymore and this could change it for the best if we did it carefully and we did.
    So why did I talk about this with you? Simply because this taught me that some people are the way they are and could not do anything about it and I felt and still feel very sorry for them and above all I stopped judging anyone. How can we know what happens in someone mind, heart and body; it could just be their level of Dopamine being so low and though anti-depressor could help this, I know it is not the solution especially when we see so many people addicted to them and to other drugs. It is so easy to judge others but if you see from others' perspectives we should be able to understand them better.
     Again I would love to hear from you about this difficult issue and you can drop a line on my Contact Page

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News 17 January Mood Swing

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